The Do's And Do Not's Of Vaseline
It was another ordinary average day in 1987. Much like most of my free time, this day was spent sprawled out on my bedroom floor, a pile of G.I. Joe figures and vehicles in front of me, with some form of adventure being mentally written and acted out by the minute.
This story arc unfolded in a manner that led me to needing a swamp. In hind sight, I could have easily pulled out my trusty Dagobah playset from Kenner. However, my young mind never seemed to come to this conclusion on this day. Instead, when the light bulb blinked on, I immediately got up and ran down the hall to the bathroom.
Whipping open the cabinets under the sink, I immediately found what I was after. An old, seldom used, dirt caked on jar of Vaseline. The perfect swamp!
Back in my room, I continued with my story until just the right moment. In a climactic chase scene, Snake-Eyes fled across the marshlands, rolling and flipping as laser blasts from the pursuing Dreadnok Thunder Machine whizzed past him. Finally, Snake reach a clearing, but was faced by a swamp. He'd have no choice but to swim for it.
Into the jar of Vaseline my 1985 Snake-Eyes went.
"Oh no," thought Snake-Eyes. "I'm sinking," as I squashed him deeper and deeper into the oozing sludge.
"He's gone under," shouts Thrasher.
"What will happen to Snake-Eyes," asks our announcer. "Tune in next time for the continued adventures of G.I. Joe!"
I pulled the figure out to wipe it off and continue into my next story and found out immediately that action figures and Vaseline do not mix. From that moment on, every joint immediately lost any sense of tightness as a result of the overly generous lubing the figure received. It would never be the same.
For the remainder of its life, the toy never again could stand, immediately doing the splits if it was even attempted. Snake-Eyes, from then on out, was relegated to the task of vehicle driver. Even then, he had to be seated just right, with no room to move. Otherwise, he would slide down the cockpit or seat from his waist joint being so loose it couldn't support him.
The moral of the story, Vaseline and action figures do not mix. So please, please, please. Don't try this at home. For me, this lesson was well learned that day and never needed repeating. Do yourself well and learn from my mistake.
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